please come you make the beer taste better
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
