i think my mom watched the whole time
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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