i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
