i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
