When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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