The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
