You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize