we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
