The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Randomize
