my mouth tastes like poor choices
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
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