I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
