there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
