i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
