we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
