I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
