The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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