no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
