turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
