New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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