I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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