Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
