Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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