So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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