I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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