Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
