Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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