look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
