Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize