my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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