had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
