I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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