Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
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