i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
