We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
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