I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
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