I want to stick my p in your. b.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
