I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
