I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
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