everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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