Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
