Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
