i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
