I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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