I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
