Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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