We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
