My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
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