he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
