it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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