Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
