I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
