I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
