What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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