my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Randomize
