I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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