I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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