They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
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