Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
