I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Randomize
