my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Help. Why am I so naked?
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