i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
