I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Actions speak louder than pants.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
