You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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